Women Who Abuse: Break the Cycle

We’ve come to a place in today’s society where we no longer tolerate women living in abusive relationships with men. There are countless shelters for women, counseling centers, and help for the abused woman. But what about men living in abusive relationships? How do men break the cycle of abuse from their partner? 

The world is filled with men who live in abusive relationships, yet never report it. We can understand how a man may feel embarrassed and ashamed of that.

“The charity's analysis of statistics on domestic violence shows the number of men attacked by wives or girlfriends is much higher than thought. Its report, Domestic Violence: The Male Perspective, states: "Domestic violence is often seen as a female victim/male perpetrator problem, but the evidence demonstrates that this is a false picture."

Data from Home Office statistical bulletins and the British Crime Survey show that men made up about 40% of domestic violence victims each year between 2004-05 and 2008-09

The 2008-09 bulletin states: "More than one in four women (28%) and around one in six men (16%) had experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16. These figures are equivalent to an estimated 4.5 million female victims of domestic abuse and 2.6 million male victims."

Men in abusive relationships dates back farther than we imagine. We’ve all heard of Jezebel and even used her name to describe women in today’s world. Ahab married Jezebel, a controlling, powerful, and abusive woman.

Jezebel was the dominant force in their marriage. The moment Ahab stepped into that relationship, he succumbed to the queen's authority. Any religious boundaries Ahab had went out the door when he submitted to Jezebel and began worshipping her false idols.

Not only did his submission cause him to worship her gods but he set up “an altar for Baal in the temple of Baal that he built in Samaria.  Ahab also made an Asherah pole and did more to arouse the anger of the Lord, the God of Israel, than did all the kings of Israel before him.” (I Kings 16:31-32 NIV)

If anyone asked, “Ahab, why did you set up those false gods and turn to worshipping them?” He may have answered, “Because Jezebel wanted it.; because Jezebel said to do it.” Ahab wasn’t a dominant figure, but had a more passive personality when it came to his relationship with Jezebel.

Abusive women use strong tactics to manipulate and intimidate their victim. “Manipulators need to advance their own purposes and their own gain, even at virtually any cost to others. They need to attain feelings of power, and superiority in relationships with others and need to feel in control.”

Later on we see Elijah, the Lord’s prophet, confront Ahab and tell him that a famine was coming and no rain would fall. This was God’s way of trying to get Ahab’s attention. During the famine, Jezebel turned to murder and began killing off the Lord’s prophets. (I Kings 18:4)

Again we see Jezebel’s dominance rise in the relationship as she tries to control the situation through murder. Nowhere in scripture do we find Ahab giving the order to kill God’s prophets. We also see in scripture that Ahab does nothing to intervene. Ahab becomes passive and allows Jezebel to carry out her angry mission. Does this sound familiar? If the roles were reversed could we see it?

Women in abusive relationships often submit to their spouse’s criminal behavior. Due to fear and intimidation of the abuser, they choose not to intervene. The same could be said of men in abusive relationships. In order to keep the peace, they submit, walk on egg shells, release any rights they may have in the relationship, have a difficult time standing up for what's right, lose their ability to speak truth into their partner, justify the wrong as being okay with them (even though it's not), and work hard to please their partner by doing whatever she asks.

“Many abused men believe it is their fault or feel they deserve the treatment they receive. They assume blame for events that other people would not. They feel responsible and have an unrealistic belief that they can and should do something that will make things better.”

A female’s verbal abuse can be just as powerful as any man’s abuse toward a woman. Abusive women attack a man’s character, his ability to perform as head of the house, as a father, or provider.

“Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man’s behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, and trauma during childhood. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better.

During one of Ahab’s pitiful moments, Jezebel, his wife, said, “Is this how you act as king over Israel?” Such phrases have been said from abusive women in today’s world, “Is this how you act as a man? Is this how you act as the leader of our home?” An abusive woman may demand the man in her life to step up, but then she sabotages his ability to do so (unrealistic expectations, hurtful acts, lack of ability to share in responsibilities, lack of respect for any authority he may try to assert, and so on).

Jezebel’s abusive personality came through her incredible ability to intimidate. Elijah, who just had the power to stand in front of all of Israel, call on the name of God to come forth, and slay all of Jezebel’s prophets, could not stand against Jezebel’s intimidation.(I Kings 19)

 This passage gives us a clear view of the control Jezebel had over others, including Ahab. After Elijah destroyed the false prophets, Ahab ran all the way home and told on Elijah. What was really going on in Ahab’s mind when he did that? “I didn’t do it? I had nothing to do with it? Victims fall into that trap. They can align with the abuser just to feel affirmed and to receive some kind of attention from them.

“Knowing that the victim wants love or approval, (emotional) blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make the victim feel they must earn it. If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior. Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation, and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feeling guilty if they don’t.”

When Jezebel heard what Elijah did, she swore to do to him what he had done to her prophets. Elijah was so intimidated by her words that he ran for his life. Elijah understood Jezebel's dominant personality and took the threat serious. Not only did Elijah run for his life, but despaired! Her abuse led him right to the desert and under a broom tree crying out to God to take his life. Now that is intimidation. Elijah was a strong mountain man, prophet of the most High King, and one who understood God’s power. But this picture gives us a clear picture of the strength and personality of an abusive woman, as well as the effect it can have on a man.

The good news is, God came along and saved Elijah. God fed, strengthened, and breathed new life into his scared soul. God also showed Elijah that he was not alone. God will do the same for the abused man in today's world.

If you know of someone in an abusive relationship, encourage them to get help. Pray for those women and men hurting in abusive relationships.